Here is what I tell clients the week before: mediation is not a hearing, and it is not therapy. It is a negotiation with a deadline, and the person who walks in organized walks out done, and most often with more. I have watched people give up thousands of dollars and two weekends a month because they could not put their hands on a bank statement, or because they showed up with a grievance instead of a proposal.

So let us fix that. This is the complete list.

What should I bring to mediation in North Carolina?

Before you pack anything, know which mediation you are going to. North Carolina runs two completely different processes, with different rules about who is even allowed in the room.

Court-ordered custody mediation

Under N.C.G.S. § 50-13.1(b), contested custody and visitation cases are set for mediation through the statewide Child Custody and Visitation Mediation Program (established under § 7A-494) unless the court waives it for good cause. There are two required steps: an orientation, then at least one mediation session. It costs you nothing financially (except for the initial filing of the lawsuit and the costs of service of course). It costs you minutes, hours or even weeks of worry and anxiety prior to it happening.

Here is the part that surprises people. Your attorney does not attend. Neither do the children, your mother, or your new boyfriend. It is you, the other parent, and the mediator. And custody mediation covers custody and visitation only — § 50-13.1 expressly keeps child support, alimony, and other economic issues out of that room. Do not bring a bank statement to custody mediation. Nobody in there can do anything with it. And even if there are expenses associated with visitation or custody, the mediation process keeps everything financial, 100% separate from the custody mediation process.

Family financial mediated settlement conference

Property, alimony, and support run through the Family Financial Settlement Program under N.C.G.S. § 7A-38.4A. Different animal entirely. Your attorney does attend, and is required to. You and your spouse will usually sit in separate rooms while the mediator shuttles between your respective rooms. And you pay for it: at the time of publishing this blog in September 2026 a court-appointed mediator is compensated at $150 per hour plus a one-time $175 administrative fee, split between the parties unless the court orders otherwise. A mediator the parties select by agreement sets their own rate. If you truly cannot pay your share, there is a form for that — AOC-CV-828.

Private mediation

Anything you schedule voluntarily, before or after filing, runs on whatever rules you and the mediator agree to, which must also be in line with the rules promulgated by the North Carolina Dispute Resolution Commission (hereinafter referred to as the NCDRC). Bring everything below anyway and also everything on the Guide to Equitable Distribution Disclosures in Family Financial Mediation from the NCDRC. Preparation is never the thing you regret.

The universal list — bring these to any mediation

• Photo ID. You will need this when you come to an agreement and need to notarize. It must be current and valid – do not bring an expired version.
• Any existing order, parenting agreement, or separation agreement — the whole thing, including every modification.
• A calendar covering the next eighteen months which you list and pre-write any special dates or traditions: work, school, activities, travel, the wedding in June, yearly family reunion in September, and holiday customs.
• A one-page summary of what you want, in priority order.
• A second one-page list of what you are actually willing to trade. Yes, both.
• A legal pad and a pen. Your phone is not a notepad here.
• Reading glasses, if you need them to read something you may be signing.
• Cash or a card for parking.
• Water, real food, and a sweater. These rooms are freezing.
• Childcare arranged — and confirmed twice. Mediation often goes well past 5:00 pm and you need someone ready, willing, and able to care for your children while you are in mediation.

What documents do I need for custody mediation?

Custody mediation is about the calendar. Bring the paper that proves how your calendar actually works — not how you wish it worked.

• The current custody order or parenting agreement, complete, with every modification.
• Both parents’ work schedules. Actual schedules, including shift rotations, on-call weeks, and deployment or duty cycles.
• The school calendar: teacher workdays, early releases, tracked-out weeks, exam days, breaks.
• Activity, practice, and game schedules.
• Medical, therapy, IEP or 504 information, and standing appointment times.
• Childcare or aftercare arrangements, with hours and cost.
• Drive times between the two homes, the school, and any proposed exchange point. Write down the real number of minutes, not “about twenty.”
• A written proposed schedule. This one is not optional.

What your written proposal actually has to cover

Most parents arrive with “week on, week off” and nothing else, then spend two hours discovering they disagree about everything underneath it. Get specific before you go:

• The regular school-year schedule, by day and by time.
• Summer, including how many consecutive weeks and how vacation weeks get chosen.
• Holiday rotation. Name every holiday your family actually cares about, and set exact start and end times.
• Exchange location and times, and who drives which direction.
• What happens when somebody is late — and how late is late.
• Right of first refusal, with a defined trigger. Four hours? Overnight? Say it.
• How the two of you communicate, and whether that runs through a co-parenting app.
• How school and medical information gets shared.
• Legal decision-making: education, medical, religion, extracurriculars.
• Travel notice and out-of-state travel.
• Who is holding and maintaining the passport? How to exchange it so everyone can participate in the holidays and travel with their children.
• Introducing new partners, if that matters to you. Decide before, not during.
• How you will handle small changes without paying two lawyers to fix them. Counselor as a tie breaker? Alternating decision final choice? Monthly?

What documents do I need for financial mediation?

Financial mediation is not the day to go looking for documents. It is the day to use them. Walk in without numbers and you will be negotiating against somebody who has them.

• Your equitable distribution affidavit — the marital property inventory — with date-of-separation values for every asset and debt.
• Three years of tax returns with all schedules, plus W-2s, 1099s, and K-1s.
• Recent pay stubs for both spouses, showing year-to-date figures.
• Statements for every bank, credit union, and brokerage account, at the date of separation and current.
• Retirement statements for every plan: 401(k), 403(b), pension, IRA, and TSP, with date-of-separation values and current beneficiary designations.
• Mortgage statement, payoff figure, HELOC balance, and any appraisal, CMA, or tax value on the house. Amortization schedules can also help.
• Vehicle values and loan payoffs.
• Credit reports for both spouses, plus every debt with a balance and who is on it.
• Business records if either of you owns one: returns, profit and loss statements, balance sheets, buy-sell agreements.
• A realistic monthly budget in two columns — what you spend now, what you will spend after.
• Health, life, and disability insurance costs, including what coverage costs on your own.
• Anything supporting a separate property claim: inheritance, premarital ownership, gift documentation, and the paper trail that traces it.

Bring your number

Decide three figures before you walk in: your target, the range you can live with, and the line where you stand up and then walk out. Write them down. Numbers decided at 4:45 p.m. in a cold conference room on an empty stomach are not decisions — they are surrender with extra steps.

And settle the authority question. If you have to call your father, your accountant, or your business partner before you can agree to anything, that person needs to be reachable all day. Tell them that in advance.

What should I bring for my kids on a mediation or court day?

Children do not attend custody mediation. Let me say that plainly, because it is the question I get most. North Carolina law does permit a mediator to interview a child when assessing the child’s needs and interests, but that is uncommon, and it is the mediator’s call, never yours. You do not bring your child hoping to be asked.

Here is what no other checklist will tell you. Parents lose entire days to this process. A session estimated at two hours runs five. The sitter texts at 7:10 a.m. And organized, capable people end up in a courthouse hallway with a seven-year-old, a dead phone, and half a bag of pretzels. Plan for the day you hope you do not have.

1. For the caregiver keeping your child — one page, printed

• Your cell number, plus a backup person who can reach you.
• The mediation office or courthouse main number.
• Your attorney’s cell number.
• Allergies, medications, and dosing times, written out.
• Written pickup authorization: exactly who may pick your child up, and who may not.
• The pediatrician’s name and number, and your insurance information.
• Your honest estimate of when you will be back — and a plain warning that it may run much longer.
• One line telling the caregiver what to say if your child asks where you are.

Give the caregiver the script. Something like: “Your mom is at a meeting about grown-up paperwork, and she will be back after dinner.” Parents never think to write this down, and it is the single most useful item on this page. Children fill a silence with the worst thing they can imagine. Do not leave them a silence.

2. The go-bag — for the day childcare falls through

Quiet. No batteries required. No mess. Nothing that beeps.

• Word search and crossword books.
• Sticker books and reusable sticker scenes.
• A spiral-bound activity book with mazes and dot-to-dots.
• Mad Libs for the older ones.
• Colored pencils in a zip pouch. Never markers. Ask me how I know.
• A small blank notebook.
• Wikki Stix or pipe cleaners.
• A magnetic drawing board.
• A deck of cards and a travel-size UNO.
• A rubber-band bracelet loom or a beading kit.
• A small LEGO or magnetic-tile set in a sealed bag.
• A fidget cube or putty.
• One comfort item. The blanket. The stuffed animal. The specific one.
• Over-ear headphones, plus a splitter if there are two kids.
• A fully charged tablet with everything downloaded in advance, because courthouse wifi will fail you.
• The charger and a battery pack.
• A paperback or a graphic novel.
• An audiobook queued up and offline.

3. Snacks and logistics

• A water bottle, already filled.
• Snacks that are not crunchy and do not crumble.
• Wipes.
• A change of clothes for anyone under six.
• Any medication, with dosing instructions written down.
• The insurance card.
• The name and cell number of whoever is authorized to pick your child up if you are still in session.

4. For yourself

A regulated parent negotiates better than a rattled one. This is not self-care; it is strategy.

• Water and actual food. Not a granola bar and a prayer.
• A sweater or jacket.
• A printed copy of your own notes and proposal.
• A pen.
• Cash for parking.
• Any medication you require throughout the day.
• Your phone on silent. Not vibrate. Silent.

What should I wear to mediation?

Dress like you are meeting your child’s principal. Not like you are going to court, not like you are going to a club, not like you just came off the mower.

• Layers. I will say it a third time: these rooms are generally/can be cold.
• Shoes you can sit in for six hours.
• Nothing with a slogan, a logo, or a message. Your shirt should not be an argument.
• Leave the jewelry that clicks, jangles, or gets fidgeted with at home.
• If your session is at the courthouse, add a jacket and check that county’s policy on phones and bags before you arrive. It varies.
• Bring a sweatshirt regardless.
• Decide about the wedding ring before you leave the house. On or off, either is fine. Fidgeting with it for four hours is not.
• Skip the heavy cologne. Small rooms, long day.

Nobody ever settled a case because of what the other side wore. But plenty of people have undercut a strong position by looking like they did not take the day seriously.

What should I leave at home?

• Your new partner. Their presence adds nothing and costs you credibility, and in court-ordered custody mediation they are not permitted in the session anyway.
• Your mother, your best friend, and your sister who “knows about this stuff.”
• The children.
• The four-hundred-page binder of screenshots. Bring the summary and the five that actually matter. Volume is not evidence.
• Recording devices. Recording a mediated settlement conference is prohibited — secretly or by agreement. Confidentiality is the entire reason people tell the truth in mediation, and both § 50-13.1 and § 7A-38.4A protect it.
• The fight from 2019. Nobody is getting an apology today.
• The expectation of a ruling. The mediator does not decide anything and cannot give either of you legal advice.

How long does mediation take, and should I plan for the whole day?

Plan for the whole day. Every time.

• Custody orientation: commonly two to three hours, and scheduled separately from your session.
• Custody mediation session: at least one session, often around two hours, with additional sessions scheduled if you are making progress.
• Family financial mediated settlement conference: half a day at minimum. A full day is normal. A complex equitable distribution case can run longer.

Deals get made at hour six, not hour two. Hour two is where everyone repeats their opening position. Hour six is where people get realistic. If you scheduled a 3:00 p.m. meeting, you have just handed the other side a deadline to use against you.

So: nothing on the calendar afterward. Childcare through the evening. Tell work you are out for the day. Eat breakfast — low blood sugar has cost people more money than bad lawyering ever has.

And know how it ends. If you reach agreement in custody mediation, the mediator prepares a parenting agreement; once it is signed and submitted, the court can adopt it as an order under § 50-13.1(e). In financial mediation, the essential terms are reduced to writing and signed before anyone leaves the building. Which is one more reason not to schedule anything after.

Mediation preparation FAQ

Can I bring my child to mediation?

No. Children do not attend custody mediation sessions. North Carolina law allows a mediator to interview a child when assessing the child’s needs and interests, but it is uncommon and the mediator initiates it. Arrange childcare — then plan for that childcare to fall through.

Does my attorney come to custody mediation?

Not to court-ordered custody mediation. Those sessions are you, the other parent, and the mediator. Your attorney prepares you beforehand and reviews anything before you sign it. Family financial mediated settlement conferences are the opposite: your attorney is required to attend with you.

Do I have to go to mediation in North Carolina?

In contested custody and visitation cases, yes, in districts with a program, unless the court waives it for good cause under § 50-13.1(c). Recognized grounds include domestic violence, child abuse or neglect, substance abuse, severe psychological problems, and undue hardship such as living far from the courthouse. A waiver takes a motion (AOC-CV-632), not a phone call.

What does mediation cost in North Carolina?

Court custody mediation is free. For family financial mediation, at the time of posting this blow the rates would be set for a court-appointed mediator to be $150 per hour plus a one-time $175 administrative fee, split between the parties. A mediator you select by agreement sets their own rate. All of it is cheaper than one contested trial day. Every single time.

Can I record the mediation?

No. Recording is prohibited, openly or secretly. Mediation communications are confidential and generally inadmissible, and that protection is the reason the process works at all.

What if I am afraid of my spouse?

Tell your attorney and the mediation office before your session date, not the morning of. Custody mediation can be waived for good cause including domestic violence, and parties who have been victims of domestic violence may be excused from physically attending a family financial settlement conference. Separate rooms, staggered arrival times, and remote participation are all available. Ask early.

What happens if we reach an agreement?

In custody mediation, the mediator drafts a parenting agreement; once signed and submitted, the court can enter it as an order under § 50-13.1(e). In financial mediation, the essential terms are written and signed at the conference, and your attorney converts them into a consent order or separation agreement.

What if we only agree on some of it?

Partial agreement is still a win. Every issue you resolve is one fewer for a judge to decide, and it shortens and narrows the hearing. Impasse on one issue is not failure of the whole day.

Your Next Step

Download the free Cape Fear Family Law Mediation Day Checklist — every document, every question to answer before you walk in, and the kid kit.

Need a neutral mediator for your case? Schedule with our certified mediator.

Going to mediation and want somebody sitting on your side of the table — someone who has read the file, run the numbers, and knows exactly what you should not agree to at 4:45 p.m.? Schedule a confidential consultation with Cape Fear Family Law today.