No matter how old your children are at the time of your separation, it’ll be a milestone in their life that they’ll never forget. Whether you and your partner are divorcing, spending time apart, or even if a death has occurred, the days, weeks, and months ahead will be filled with change, confusion, sadness, and frustration for your little ones.

Thankfully, there is one simple tool that you can use to ease the burden on yourself, your spouse, and most importantly, your kids — communication. Below, we’ll share a few simple tips to communicate well with your children in times of separation. We’ll also dive into the “why’s,” sharing how these steps will support and protect your kids both short term and long term.

#1: Have the Divorce Talk with Both Parents Present

In the case of divorce or separation, make sure both you and your partner are present when the “divorce talk” is had for the very first time. Short term, this helps children know that the circumstances are real. Long term, it can help kids understand that the decision was mutual — it wasn’t “mom not loving dad” or vice versa.

Having the talk together also forces you and your partner to be on the same page. Your kids will not be hearing two sides of the story — they’ll be hearing one joint description in a calm, matter-of-fact fashion. This can protect children from hearing negativity about their other parent, which is one of the most harmful effects of poor communication in the divorce process. After all, when one parent bad-mouths another, the kids can feel unnecessarily upset at the other parent, or simply confused by emotions they aren’t yet ready, or responsible, to take on.

#2: Be An Open Book

Separation is a huge life change, and your kids are going to be left with questions. Try your best to provide them with honest, age-appropriate answers. Your children are smarter than you may think, and even the youngest ones can sense when they’re being lied to. And if you provide nothing at all, they may create their own scenarios in their minds. This is often more damaging than the real situations — maybe they think dad left mom because of them, for example.

This is a common belief that almost every kid has at some point after their parents separate. Get concrete in your mission to provide honesty if the topic comes up. Have your child write down who they believe caused the divorce, and what they did to do so. Then, brainstorm why the reasoning isn’t realistic.

You can use these worksheets to guide the process if you’d like.

Tell your child the real reasons (if appropriate). They may not need to know about affairs or other harmful topics, but they can know that mom and dad are happier when they live in separate homes.

Make sure to show your child that the divorce is difficult for you, too. They will feel supported and much less alone in their feelings when they see that you miss the days of having a full family unit, too.

In terms of parent death, make sure your child knows what happened to their mom or dad, that the change is permanent, and that they will get better with time no matter how bad it hurts in the present. Show your own emotions and explain the stages of grief in an age-appropriate manner.

Short term and long term, these steps will help your child know that the separation, divorce, or death isn’t anyone’s fault, and it’s hard on everyone involved. This will make the challenge look more like a difficult season instead of a fault or direct attack from the ones they love most.

#3: Let Your Kids Know They Can Come to You

After your separation, you’re going to have a lot of feelings. Whether they are mostly good or mostly bad, they will still leave you overwhelmed. However, it’s essential that you are still available to your children. When they are sad, mad, or scared of what is to come, make sure they know they can come to you.

It’s also important to note that not all children will open up right away. It may take time for them to openly communicate their feelings with you, and this is completely okay. Instead of pushing them to tell you how they feel, simply let them know they can come to you whenever they’re ready. The ball is in their court. And you’re ready to catch it at any time.

Short term, this will help your kids process one of the most challenging obstacles of their lives. And long term, it will form a supportive relationship where your kids know they can come to you no matter what difficulties come their way.

#4: Provide As Much Consistency As Possible

Regarding divorce or separation, this communication tactic lies between you and your ex-partner. Try to keep things as consistent as possible between your two homes. When children have different rules and routines, it can be much more difficult to transition back and forth. Make sure you communicate clearly about boundaries, bedtimes, school activities, pick up and drop off times, meal expectations, etc., to protect your children from unnecessary stress.

Will it be easy to keep open communication between you and your ex? No. Will it be worth it to support your children in this difficult time? Very much so.

Short term, this will help even emotions, avoid tantrums, and smooth transitions. Long term, it will show your kids how their parents worked together for their good even when they lived apart.

In terms of death, try to keep living life similarly to how you did as a full family unit. Even on the darkest days, your kids will do better if some pieces of life stay the same.

All in all, divorce, separation, and parent death are all extremely difficult circumstances for children of any age. Kids will experience heartbreak and hardship, but if you communicate clearly, lovingly, and consistently, you can protect them from many difficulties that come with the process. Try to include as many of the tips above as possible as you walk through the next stage of your life. Short term and long term, your kids will thank you for it.